I had an audition today and it was a great eye opener to say the least. Life has a funny way of dealing me just what I need even if I don't agree. Today was a perfect example.
I had 19 pages of lines to memorize which ended up not being that bad in the end. They only asked for the 2nd and 4th scene to be done. So It worked out to be around 7 pages. So not too bad. But very intense content. It was quite heavy stuff... Anyway, got there and went in to the audition and did my first read and couldn't connect. Couldn't get in touch with the character. I don't know why. The structure was all there but no real emotion or heart was in it. So the casting director asked me how I felt after I finished and I said, "Okay, nothing special." I know I could have done better. When practicing the night before I had the emotion and could connect, no problem. But accessing feelings is a tricky thing for me. Sometimes I just close up and protect myself.
*Acting is such a weird thing to do when you think about it*
So anyways she agreed with me and said she couldn't connect or feel the characters pain. Then asked me some other homework questions and we talked a bit. She asked me if I wanted to take 5 min and come back in later and try again or just go again right now.
I thought about it. There was a part of me that wanted to go outside and take some time. But I knew that would only lead to me beating myself up about how I couldn't connect. And once you leave and then come back in there is all this pressure so I then thought about staying and just going again. I knew I was having difficulty and going again to quickly might just lead to a repeat of the last read.
So then I thought, "Screw it." I'll go again and try something new. See if that works. If it doesn't then well... (That's about as far as my thought pattern went)
So I sat down and had another go at it. It went better. But I didn't fully let go. It wasn't where I felt it needed to be if I was directing the film. I knew it was an improvement though. It was tough to get a feeling off the casting director as to what she thought about it. I thanked her and the other person in the room who was reading the lines with me and left.
Feeling satisfied I was able to up my performance but slightly bewildered as to why I couldn't completely commit to the scene or the character for that matter. I've had auditions in the past four years while filming Heartland but haven't had any really intense ones that test me as an actor. This one pushed me to my limit and revealed my weakness. My fear of failure and attachment to results. It was a bitter taste in my mouth.
Thank God it was sunny today. It was 6 Degrees and the sun was out just being the sun, awesome in every way. So that provided some natural antidepressant.
So in short I guess I'm saying get outside your comfort zone. That's where all the fun happens anyway.
And for those who haven't seen it yet here's a great video I posted on my twitter the other day,